Keeping Me awake

Often incoherent nocturnal musings

Inconsistencies


For the past three days and nights a storm has been raging outside my window, there were even a few moments when I thought it was going to come inside. I wanted to go outside and splash in it, while ducking the objects which would inevitably by thrown in my direction.  It kept me awake with it’s unexplained anger and I began to resent it – out there having fun terrorising the world – while I was cooped up in my room, at my parents house, at 4AM, unable to do anything more than turn restlessly in bed.
There is a point to this – I promise – the thing is, now the storm is gone I can’t sleep again; it’s too quiet, the sky is too bright and I am plain inconsistent with my feelings.

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Looking For Romance


Just over a year ago my first “romantic” relationship ended. In truth it was awful, I was 18 and heartbroken for the first time ever. It took me a long time to ‘get over'; about five months actually, which is silly because the relationship only lasted three and a half. I in my infinite wisdom had decided to go out with, (for the Americans out there I mean date) a person I considered my best friend. It didn’t work. At the time though it felt like everything was going well, which I suppose contributed to my problems.

The thing is; it wasn’t really a romantic relationship. Not in the flower receiving, up all night talking kind of way. There were no particularly romantic dates and in hindsight I didn’t really feel like he cared more about me than anyone else. Sometimes I think he cared more about the internet or his guitars, but hey you can’t win them all.

So at the moment, I don’t really want a relationship, (well I don’t think I do)  I’m not sure if I want to trust anyone that much. However I do really want some romance. I want cute text messages, I want flowers (they don’t have to cost much, I just love them), I want all night talking and cosy film watching, I want water fights in the kitchen, I want to go on a date. I have never been on a real date and I want one. Look I know my list just sounds like a whiny kid in a toy shop, I’m really not so high maintenance; pick me some daisies, take me to the park, buy me an ice cream and I’ll stop moaning. Please?

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Alone


So for the first time, in a very long time Facebook is not responding to my comments or questions and I feel quite alone. I could phone someone, but all of the people I have to phone have heard my problems before, not only that but they are probably bored of them. And so to the internet and anyone who chances across this page I write, I will share some small parts of my life.

I’m currently in a weird sort of limbo between the end of A levels and exam results; it really puts a damper on the summer when the immediate future hangs on results which don’t come out until the end of August. Not only that but I’m starting to worry that I didn’t do enough, that I could have revised longer and harder, that I could have written more or remembered more facts. The fear is that I won’t get the A and B I need to go to university, and that all my carefully laid out plans will be destroyed before they have chance to be used.
I’m ready to go to university, I really am. That and the fact that through all of my planning stages I did not waste time on a plan B; its uni or broke, at the moment I’m leaning towards broke.

So in trying to make the most of my two months of torture  I’ve started to write, at the moment its an outline (with a surprisingly clear ending) but hopefully by August it will be the first draft of a screenplay, and it seems to be going well. Well if we discount the problem I have in naming the antagonist who is referred to as ‘Arse Face’ in my notes, the gaping hole that should be the middle of the story, and my own inexperience in writing screenplays. So yeah it’s going super well.

And finally… after over a year without it (due to an uncomfortable break-up) my six DVD boxset of Star Wars is back in my possession.

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